An Ode for .. Christopher Luxon

The Bard on Baron Luxon


The Ancient Course of Zespri

The black clouds grew severe overhead
as the Baron’s legions marched into the mountains.
Past the promised land of the Golden Triangle,
past the burping mud of Rotorua,
onwards march the grim faced host
deep into the realm of the undead:
the Bay of Despond,
and the haunted ruins of the Ziggurat of Te Puke.
There where ghosts of The Doomed Kings of Yore
rave and gibber by Roads of National Significance.
Lo, there is Simon the Unfortunate,
lopped and ethereal,
King of the Chamber of the Undead.
Lo, there is Toad of Mullet,
Spectral Lord of this Eldritch Realm.
The Baron must prove himself free
of the Ancient Curse of Zespri
which hath brought to grief many Kings
of antiquity from The House of Blue.
There among the rows of kiwifruit
the Blue Baron’s loyal retainers gather on the field
ready to do battle with the fanatic
Squadrons of Pink and Green Flying Unicorns.
But the question starts to circulate
amongst the grim foot soldiers:
where exactly is the baron?
Lo, a giant video screen is wheeled out
and The Baron joins by Zoom.
Forward to victory! urges The Baron.
O loyal retainers, I am with you in spirit,
yet in order to protect myself
from the dark sorcery of the Curse of Zespri
I am joining battle remotely,
surrounded by a powerful force field
of palm trees and poolside cocktails
Here in the Happy Isles.
The Blue Legions mother their disquiet.
From across on the other side of the field
comes a chilling screeching:
The Shawrax is being chased in circles
by a squadron of his own Green Flying Unicorns.
The local serfs put down their kiwifruit baskets
and watch proceedings with amazement;
for battles in the ancient times
never used to be this confusing.

Victor Billot has previously felt moved to compose Odes for such luminaries as the Prime Minister, Louise Wallace, Mike Hosking, Clarke Gayford, Brian Tamaki, and Garrick Tremain.

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