“I can only remember that I was shy. As a child I thought everything was good and I especially wanted to please others. Children were allowed to take my toys and friends were always allowed to choose what we were going to do. I thought everything was fine. And although I did not think so, I did not dare to give up. Others were always above me. I did not have a real, equal girlfriend. I was alone a lot. That hurt me, because I was a very sensitive child. alone outside or listened to music in my room.
Of course, my shyness made me an easy target at school. Because I allowed everything, I was bullied in class. Children are very tough and know exactly what the pecking order is. As we walked to the gym, I was pushed. My gym clothes were thrown in the shower. Then I did nothing, I just allowed it. But most of the time I was belittled with words. I don’t even remember what exactly was said. I blocked that. But what I do know is that words hurt even more than clap. ”
“In high school I was still an introvert and an outcast. From a distance I watched others have fun and hang out with each other. I dated a few girls, but I didn’t have real friends. At my postgraduate social studies school. it went better, I thought it was a nice training and I felt safe in the classroom.
But my self-esteem was still very low. I couldn’t handle compliments. If someone said I looked nice, I collapsed. And: I just didn’t believe the compliment. In groups or when meeting new people, I still slammed. And being the center of attention was completely awful to me. “
“I was eighteen when I got into my first relationship. My boyfriend was calm, just like me. So that was a good fit. Together we had two children. Still, our relationship didn’t last, especially because we communicated poorly with each other. I had a few other relationships, but I met men who didn’t treat me right, I couldn’t do anything right with one, I did the housework wrong, and my dress was bad and sloppy.
Everything was always my fault and when he got angry he got a devilish look in his eyes. Then I was really scared. I was also often ignored. I was not just listened to, talked through me or not responded to texts for days. It was like I no longer existed to him, and that hurt me so much. Ignoring is a very nasty power game. “
‘Please others, ignore myself’
“In such situations, I shot back into my old mechanism: then I went others please and ignore myself. That was of course not healthy. I got physical complaints. Especially pain in my chest, which made me short of breath and started to hyperventilate. How small and miserable I felt. “
“It was not going well with me, that was clear. I was down, did not feel like anything and got negative thoughts: what was the point of life? After an exchange with an acquaintance in which I did not feel heard – that triggered me. the old pain again – I collapsed last year. I really didn’t want to live anymore. A friend then called in the GGZ. Eventually I ended up with a fine psychologist. In therapy it turned out that I am a highly sensitive person. That means that I I need time to let things sink in and that I feel my emotions – and those of others – more intensely. Exactly what I’ve struggled with all my life. It was great that it finally had a name. “
Lots of anger
“Now I get the help I need. Through psychomotor therapy I learn to go according to my feelings. Sometimes we go back to a situation in the past, and then I learn to deal with it differently. only that I had a lot of anger in me about what had been done to me. I learn to analyze that anger and to put it aside, because it takes too much negative energy. I don’t want to waste my time on that. “
“The biggest insight I made was that I let too much walk all over me. Yes, I’m still shy. But now I open my mouth when I don’t like something. When someone ignores me and talks through me. , I now say, “I’m talking, why are you interrupting me?” That’s really a big change. Not everyone likes that, some people have to get used to my new assertiveness. But that’s not my problem, they should know how I feel. I now feel strong, independent and no longer anxious. Never again do I want to let myself be belittled, and never again do I want to be held back by my insecurity.
Currently I am single, but I am open to love. I want someone who understands, respects and accepts me. Someone with whom I feel seen and heard. I am looking forward to the future, together with my children. For the first time I feel peace in myself. That is so nice. As if everything has fallen into place. “
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