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The parenting question: does son need to know the truth about his father?

After a tumultuous relationship of two years, Sarina and her ex broke up shortly after the birth of our son: “After that he never made much effort for our son: he forgot appointments to do something nice with Dean or he canceled with crazy people. last minute excuses. Going out and his changing girlfriends he has always preferred over his son. But Dean is now getting older and getting on to things better. I’ve always kept my ex above my head. Then I made up a plausible story if once again didn’t show up. Should I continue or should my son gradually tell the truth? Actually, I don’t feel like those lies anymore. “

No matter how much you think your ex is a worthless freeloader, it is better to keep this opinion to yourself, advises Annelies Bobeldijk, author of ‘Supermama’s don’t exist’, of WOW! Parenting coaching to: “A child will always be loyal to his father, because he is part of him. That is biologically determined. If this mother suddenly starts to tell which stitches his father keeps dropping and how bad he is, then this will actually disrupt the bond between mother and son, because a child does not feel comfortable with such a message.

But I understand that when you see again and again how your son is disappointed by his father, you feel the need to kill your ex. And I also understand that it goes against your feelings to always lie and justify things. “

Still, it is better to resist the temptation to start saying ‘the truth’, says Bobeldijk: “You don’t have to lie to your child, but you can say that you would have liked the situation differently. this without judgment, for example: “I wanted it to be different for you, I don’t know why your father acts like that. And I would allow your father to see what a beautiful person you are.”

This message is good for his confidence. This is how your child should hear the truth without hurting him. You name your child’s desires, you don’t blacken your ex and at the same time you don’t justify anything. Remember that your child is half his father. If you call that man a dodgy bastard, what does that make him? So be careful with your statements. “

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